Apple buys Apple

From "Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal" posted Wednesday on The Onion:

CUPERTINO, CA—Sending shock waves through Wall Street with the once-in-a-generation acquisition, Apple revealed Wednesday that it had purchased tech giant Apple in a historic $3 trillion deal. “We’ve been fans of what Apple has been doing for quite some time, and we think Apple’s values and mission really align with our own,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said at a press conference concerning the landmark transaction, in which he stressed that despite the large price tag, he had been convinced of the deal’s prudence during several reassuring conversations with Apple CEO Tim Cook. “I’m absolutely sure that Apple’s devotion to smartphones and wearables will really make this a very simpatico relationship. Frankly, we don’t know who’s benefiting more from this deal.” At press time, Tim Cook had thanked investors and briefly left the microphone to allow Apple CEO Tim Cook to say a few words about the sale.

My take: Could have been funnier. Apple, in fact, is buying Apple, just not in one fell swoop.


  1. Dan Scropos said:
    I’m just hoping Apple bought back at least $20 billion in the holiday quarter. There’s absolutely no reason to add to the cash pile. Luca has to love the value that repurchased shares have sub-$170. I’m hoping for a robust current quarter as well.

    January 22, 2022
  2. Curious AI, an actual, recent Apple acquisition started in Finland, is more interesting. It’s a general AI firm setting a course for machine intelligence closer to how the human brain works. Siri may never be the same if engineers complete the integration required.

    January 22, 2022
  3. Robert Paul Leitao said:
    Apple isn’t going private. Apple is gradually buying the company for the benefit of its shareholders. Apple’s shareholders are among the company’s best lobbyists. They vote, they talk (loudly) and have a direct and vested interest in the company’s success.

    January 22, 2022
  4. Bart Yee said:
    In other news, Apple has announced a new marketing strategy – for every $500 Apple product or services purchase per quarter done through Apple Pay, Apple Card, and at or in an Apple Store, Apple will issue 0.5 fractional shares of AAPL to the purchaser, deposited in the retail or retirement account of their choice. Their basis will be the closing price on the day of deposit. Retail and corporate accounts will only be eligible. Shares must be held for at least one year from date of issue before they fully vest.

    According to an unnamed marketing source familiar with the program but not authorized to speak on the matter:

    “It really is a way to reward our best customers and users in a very tangible way. Investing in Apple products and AAPL stock goes hand in hand like AirPods Pro’s in your ears. Considering the $365B gross revenue in FY2021, we would have issued close to 360M shares, that seems like a lot but we repurchased 656+M shares in 2021 so we have plenty of room to do both. It’s the best way to not only reward our customers but to give them a way to appreciate (pun intended) investing in AAPL too. We hope they will hold them as long as our products.”

    Details for a similar program for new Apple users using a non-Apple payment system are still being worked out. It might take awhile.

    January 23, 2022

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