Comedy: The rant wheel stops on Apple dongles

Transcribed from Saturday’s Lovett or Leave It podcast:

Actor Paul Scheer: F… Apple and these dongles, man. I got to carry all this s… with me to listen to my music? And you know what? I’m on an airplane, I want to listen to something, and I can’t put those wireless s…s on in the airplane cause they don’t cut out any airplane noise. And then I need a USB-C dongle now? I need to get another…? So now I have a case that has two dongles but I know I’m an idiot so I have to buy two more of those to put in my backpack just in case I don’t bring that case. F… These. Dongles. I don’t like it. Can’t we just go back to the one simple… the jack, it was so easy, why are we reinventing the wheel? Pop it in.

Actress Alice Wetterlund: It’s so inelegant, too. Which is the whole thing about Apple. It’s supposed to be this simple sleek system, and now everybody’s walking around like hackers, you’ve got 25 things and like a gear thing or whatever. Like (in a man’s voice) “I’m in, I’m in, I’m listening to my music.”

Speechwriter Jon Lovett: It’s like there was this division of Apple. This long-neglected dongle division of Apple that was constantly going up to Steve Jobs and being like…

Scheer: (representing the Dongle Division) “I get you like your cords, but what if the end didn’t actually connect with the things that we make? Hear us out…”

Lovett: And Steve Jobs is constantly going “You skit. You get out of here. You go back. You go back.”

And they ran back, and they’re like “One day, one day, one day someone will be smart enough to see that we can sell them 50 different kinds of the same cord because nothing connects to anything anymore. One day they’ll see. Our flagship laptop and our flagship phone will have completely different holes!”

Steve Jobs dies and all of a sudden nothing that Apple makes connects to anything else Apple makes.

That guy [Jobs] was amazing! We had no idea that that was a problem that we didn’t have.

Scheer: It was the simplest issue. He kept us away from it. And you gotta buy ’em? You have to buy these things?

Lovett: Of course! Also, your phone is at 8% Which means it might die at any moment. You can’t trust an 8%. You’re living on borrowed time at 8%. And you’re like “Thank God, this fits into my phone. That side, we’re all set. Now time to plug it into my laptop that no longer has this thing, the thing that’s on every f….. airplane and every hotel because Steve Jobs told them to in 1999!

Comedian Larry Wilmore: Everyone’s rant.

Scheer: I want it to be.

My take: See what you’ve done, Apple? By the time a design decision hits the comedy circuit, it’s too late to rethink.


  1. Gregg Thurman said:

    Stupid post.

    A $29 “dongle” saved me from buying a $500 display.

    Maybe the a””holes in the skit would rather we were still using SCSI cables.

    August 13, 2019
    • John Konopka said:

      We were just talking about this. When we packed to move I showed my son the SCSI cables we used to use. Those were brutal.

      August 13, 2019
      • Turley Muller said:

        I just came across a scuzzi cable myself cleaning out some drawers. Forgot how heavy they were. You would think it went to a nuclear reactor. You could hurt somebody with them.

        I thought this was hilarious.

        I’m tired of hearing Apple changes their cables to make more money. I’m like “yeah you DA.. Apple really would jeopardize a 250B a year business over a couple 100M. That’s exactly why they do it.”

        August 14, 2019
  2. Steven Noyes said:

    Interestingly, I have headphones that use the nearly 50 year old headphone jack. I’d need a dongle to use one.

    August 13, 2019

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